rhe boojk

it hurts to know that no one will ever understand the truth thats in my soul no one will ever know who i truly am and people have their own perspectives on who they think i am theyre all tru3e to a certain extent but they dont encompass the full scope of my being so why then must i burden myself with their perceptions with their expectations of me theres poems inside of me that paper could never handle but how I wish so deeply with every inch of my body that i could put these poems to paper, that I could share my deepest feelings with words and which is why this site ur reading from is the least i can do every brain is like a book you only show people the pages you want them to see but as the saying goes as the reader were only seeing the words on the surface but not comprehending the feeling of how each word was placed and my brain keeps saying anoyone who has ever been special to you ends up leaving because there is something inherently wrong with u and i just tell myself oh dear and dont even move on just keep thinking and thinking and thinking like the fog really is coming not just cuz of the meme but quite literally brain fog and dementia and alzheimers i will forget everything and am never even sure if my perception of other people is real trauma is what happens when your body or mind goes through something too overwhelming to handle instead of processing it your system freezes and the fear pain or grief gets stuck inside u trauma doesnt just live in your memories it lives in your nervous system it changes the way you feel think and connect long after the moment is over and i hate that i really fucking hate to feel and see that on myself why are there cuts on my arm why did i have a traumatic childhood why do people keep doing my mom wrong why did my parents never get along after i turned 8 why is trauma a thing am not healing am adapting learning how to carry things without dropping them learning how to smile with my teeth again even if it still feels like lying and i will pretend that the nights havent gotten much worse and the heat of the sidewalk doesnt bother me and i will pretend that my head doesnt hurt and am carrying on because i have carried and cried before and i will pretend that the plans are long term and i wil pretend that i dont wake up scared and i will pretend to know what the sun is beating into me the flap of birds wings ill stay quiet enough to hear it and yet i still find nostalgia in trauma i still find nostalgia from my dad loving me still finding moments with my mom i cherished i will brace for its sting and thank god for my suffering the past is no wretch it is sweet the present is similar i cant wait till you see this and read my mind and just know the way i think and see my soul the scent of the car seats always gave me a headache i still dont know what it is id scratch my nails along their fabric and the feeling would make me so sick leftover chlorine at the start of september summers blood upon my hands every green leaf turning a little more yellow the soles of my shoes still gritty with sand stains on my white clothes every color of the rainbow chalk dust filling my nose skinned knees still bleeding purple bruises still gleaming dirt between all of my toes the smoke dancing in the sky between the power lines and heat shimmering on the concrete sweat burning bright eyes and seeping thru smiles salty yet so bittersweet ive felt anxious for as long as i can remember ive felt anxious for as long as i can remember racing thoughts tight chest a constant edge like im always bracing for something even when nothings actually wrong and for the longest time i thought that was normal i was confused when i realized not everyone feels like this that some people wake up calm that some peoples minds arent always loud that blew my mind because this has been my baseline forever i dont know anything else i dont really know what peace feels like not the real kind im always on guard im always preparing for something to fall apart even when things are good my body still doesnt believe its safe but i want different i do even if i dont know how to get there even if ive never known anything else and i yearn for love thats why i let people into my heart too early i always end up hurt so i barricaded my heart from others yet i still yearn i yearn for affection of someone to show me what i am to them ive always felt like i had to earn love like just being myself wasnt enough ive spent so much of my life trying to prove my worth by being available giving more than i have shrinking when i needed something by making sure everyone else felt okay even when i didnt because i thought maybe if i gave enough they would stay theyd love me they wouldnt leave me but i have learned that people always leave or they change or they stop trying and im left sitting there wondering what i did wrong im tired of it tired of feeling like love has to be earned and not just felt i just want someone to love me for who i am not for what i do not for how well i hide my needs not for how much i give just me giving everything just to feel something back is breaking me and i still feel like i dont know myself even tho i fucjking keepo saying i know myself and my worth i dont know what i love i dont know what i hate sometimes i cant even tell whats me and whats just survival i mirror people i become whoever i think i need to be to feel safe wanted or enough and im tired tired of feeling so disconnected from myself tired of second guessing every emotion tired of feeling like a stranger in my own skin i dont know how to love myself sometimes i just i just cannot believe this is it this is life there is no magical third act where i am the star in some fantasy adventure i wont suddenly gain superpowers and fight cartoonish villains this is it this is all it will ever be 50 more years of quiet drab misery our one shot at consciousness is spent on something so unimaginably boring my gift of sentience is spent wage slaving consuming media messing around with hobbies that will never fill the void eating shitting cleaning and that is all there is i often feel envious of others lol the way they can immerse themselves in a world with so little effort the way they can just believe to gather only what they need to know and ignore the rest what do i evan like what brings me joyu when no ones watching what does my voice sound like when itrs not trying to please. I let ppl see me a certain way because I lack the ability to develop any true connections. I didn't have it easy growing up but no one will ever know. It hurts to be told "you haven't been through anything" but that's the grave I dug for myself which hurts even more But this is it. the deed is done Silence drowns the sound. before I leap, i shouldve seen the view from halfway down. marginalia #65 masakatsu takagi is a beautiful piece btw